hilarious

Fortunately there are a couple of universal ways to recognise fuckwits on planet earth. 1. The Ed Hardy t-shirt 2. The fedora.
      Although rarely seen worn by the same person, when these two ingredients come together it is cause and reason for a hate crime to be carried out. I cant be bothered doing research into the origins of the fedora my brain just knows that if you wear one you are a dickhead. I think studying the psychology of that subconscious response would be far more worthy of a doctorate. When i think of the fedora i think of people who think they can design things and of course that arsehole, Benji Madden. It seems that tight panted, arrogant cocksuckers who know macs inside out are drawn towards the fedora. Whether or not they are bald, sleazy, and wear tight jeans may well be coincidental. However if you couple these coincidences with a fake understanding of art and marry all of the above components with someone who is at the opening of every pedestrian gallery and exhibition where they serve cask wine in plastic cups and shit cheese you will find 9 times out of 10 they wear a Fedora.

When i think of the fedora i think of violence and smart mouthed, pacifistic cunts who say "hey man i dont want to fight" as you smash their faces into the pavement. Then during the unprovoked beating they say shit like "owww man, what did you do that for? I dont even know you!" Then there is the cliched stenchy, design chick in tow, dressed for a greek funeral, screaming at me about how no one deserves such brutality etc etc.
 I have the ability to assault people because my build is slight, i dress really nicely and am well spoken, i basically look like the kind of person that one might snigger at for no reason, therefore my menu of victims is much broader than most. As a result the project rarely sees the face breaker arriving until they are snoring on the road.

         One time i was in a store arguing with a sales staff member about a piece of shite technology i'd bought for $2,000+. I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress i was making in having this item returned as it was faulty. Over my left shoulder i noticed this guy and his partner laughing at me as my blood was getting closer to boiling point. As i was reaching breaking point this turd in a white leather jacket and, of course, a fedora swaggered over to the sales counter and picked up a sony catalogue. He then got shoulder to shoulder with me and pretended to read, i asked him why he wanted to interfere with another man's purchase, he replied "what are you going to........", before he finished his sentence i used every ounce of strength i had to demolish his head with a huge elbow. It was like he died standing up. He fell straight back into an invisible coffin, stiff as a board with a huge bang as his head hit the parquetry. It appeared to be occurring in slow motion. I stepped over him and looked at his face momentarily, which was at this stage quite contorted, it was then i noticed an unmistakable hitler type moustache developing out of burst blood vessels on his top lip. I was then set upon by his wife with whom i wrestled with and then slammed her onto to the floor also, she kept screaming "he killed my husband" etc. I hadn't noticed this rather large tongan security guard standing with his arms crossed as i made for the exit. To my surprise he didn't move a muscle, not one! I think the shock had rendered him incapable of taking action. What a blessing. I stumbled down three flights of stairs and got away scott free. The endorphins didnt kick in until about an hour after (which is unusually long). I think i experienced the 'runners high'. The moral of the story is fuck jogging, bash people who wear fedoras with absolute indifference. Amen.